5 Times I've Asked for Things or Broken the Rules

An ode to Mrs. Maisel

No spoilers here, but I was inspired after watching the series finale of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, to look back at my own life and see where I stepped out of the “good girl zone” and was bold enough to ask for what I wanted. Or when I sometimes broke the rules, real and imagined. And I noticed that, not all the time, but most of the time these decisions changed the trajectory of my life.

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When I was growing up and for most of my adult life, prayer was something you did to ASK GOD FOR WHAT YOU WANTED. Now most of those things were to take care of your sick grandma or keep you safe as you went on a long road trip. I wasn’t, nor to my knowledge were people around me, praying for Porsches. (Though I can’t be sure about my dad on this one.) In this essay I’m not arguing against “give us this day our daily bread.” We’re supposed to name the things we need and want. We’re called to admit our lack and our longing in a humble way.

Ezra Klein’s podcast this week is a fantastic interview with anthropologist, Joseph Henrich. While they discuss many things, one of the topics I found most compelling was how religion brings us to helpful habits that we might not otherwise do with a strictly rational mindset. They were discussing community bonding habits, but I think prayer falls into this same category. Regardless of whether you are a “prayer warrior” or a prayer skeptic, naming out loud our needs is psychologically important for getting our needs met. New Age mystic language might call this manifesting.

And yet here’s where I struggle. We cannot look at the inequity in this world and say “God provides.” How can we hold onto that theology when there are Jeffrey Bezos-s in the world along side people willing to risk their lives to leave the poverty and violence of their countries to reach our southern borders? We can’t. Either God doesn’t provide, or else God provides but certainly doesn’t do so equally and is therefore a jerk. (I do think there’s more nuanced answers to this question. Read Tom Oord’s book God Can’t)

“I've been blessed.” 🤮

No. Look, the world is a harsh place of inequity. It's not fair or right. There are systems in place that affect our levels of access. So when we buy into the prosperity gospel culture and we think God provides things because we're good it’s not only bad theology, it’s HARMFUL. Often what naturally comes our way is determined by how we fit into those systems.

But maybe here’s where the tension lies. In order to even begin to test the boundaries of these systems we need courage. We need confidence. We need support. And even as we test the boundaries, we find some of these systems are so baked into our cultural fabric, they are impenetrable. For many of us, that courage, confidence and support is available. Maybe prayer is an avenue towards that availability. Maybe God doesn’t give us our heart’s desire, but maybe God gives us the wisdom to know our heart and the strength to take action. Maybe God is the self-actualizing force inside each one of us, in whatever situation we’re in.

Claiming what is yours is good. Asking for what you need is good. And if it's not given freely or a person is stuck in a system that doesn’t allow for them to claim and ask, don’t be surprised when they fight for it and ask you to fight with them.

I have to say there are exponentially more moments in my life where things have fallen into my lap simply because of the circumstances of a privileged life, but these five moments are when I became an active agent. These are small moments relative to the examples above, but they are moments where I had a choice. Would I stay on the stool or would I step up to the mic?

5 Times I've Asked for Things or Broken the Rules

1. When I was in high school I went to a workshop on Theater for Social Justice with a theater director from Creative Arts Team in NYC. After the workshop, though overwhelmingly nervous, I asked him if I could come into the city and work for and learn from him. I had no idea how I’d manage that, but I was on fire for this work. I was only 17, a senior in high school, so I had to figure out how to graduate early. I had to get more hours at my job at the grocery store so I didn't have to ask my parents for money for the 90 minute commute into the city. I got it all figured out so my parents had little reason to object. I worked in Bay Ridge Brooklyn for my last semester of high school at three different schools helping kids devise stories about coming to America in the Ellis Island Project. This was when I became a teacher.

2. I visited Wheaton College reluctantly, not having any desire to attend. I asked the person interviewing me if I could talk to the theater teacher and maybe sit in on a theater class. He said no, the theater teacher was too busy. Instead I snuck into a rehearsal of Great Expectations and sat in the back of the theater for three hours. I was rapt. Finally my friend came to find me and I burst into tears. I wanted to work with these people, this teacher. I would never have gone there if I hadn't broken the rules and snuck in that day.

3. About 5 years into my job I was teaching an overload of classes and rehearsing three hours after school each day. When I found out I was going to be doing this again, I refused. I was exhausted and overwhelmed with two young kids and working these 12 hour days in two different buildings. I said, no, if they wanted me to keep working there I needed a schedule that was going to allow for balance. I took a huge pay cut (28%) which over the course of my career and my retirement will have cost me a lot of money. But, it was worth every penny to have work/life balance and to be able to retire from a job rather than getting burned out and quitting. Time is our greatest resource.

4. I got divorced. There's probably nothing that inures you to being a people pleaser more than being a woman who asks for a divorce when you have two young kids. It's the ultimate f'you to societal norms. It was also horrible and painful and hurtful. I was not my best self. Since then, everything has softened quite a bit. At our son's graduation a few weeks ago, we all had dinner together for the first time, my ex and his wife and me and Bill. I think it was healing and know it was a game changer for my son. My ex lives in the country with his horses and dogs and I'm in the city walking distance to three overpriced restaurants. Trajectory happily changed.

5. I asked to go on a date with a guy on match.com and then ten months later asked that guy to marry me. I also asked him if he'd buy me a nice ring that I picked out. :)

What’s on your list? When have you lobbied for a raise, advocated for your child, stood up to your boss, demanded that medical test, reached out to someone you looked up to, spoke out at a meeting, refused to agree to something you knew was bad, extricated yourself from a toxic relationship, called in a favor, kissed someone first, broke a rule, marched, or simply asked on the off chance, maybe, someone says “yes.”

If you are someone waiting for God to provide something for you, my advice - go out there and be an agent of change, a co-creator of your own life and ASK for what you need. Say it aloud. Say it to someone. Maybe even demand it. And if you need a little inspiration, watch how Midge Maisel does it.

**Thanks to all the women out there who have bravely stood in their power and offered me a hand to step along side them.

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If you’re curious about Spiritual Direction or exploring Somatic Experiencing with the enneagram, this summer might be a good time to start. Feel free to reach out and set up an appointment. 🙏🏼